Written by
Suzanne & Vanessa
Every
relationship has different power dynamics and it is perfectly normal
for one person to be responsible for one responsibility (eg. finances)
and the other to be responsible for another area of life like child
care. Warning signs are when one partner exerts more and more control
until every aspect of the relationship is dominated by the wants and
needs of one party. Please note that domestic violence (DV) is not
limited to spouses. DV can occur between parents, children, caretakers,
romantic partners etc.
Coercive Control - This is an overall strategy that partners use to perpetrate abuse and controlling behavior without the need for physical violence, it is often hard to recognize when you are in a relationship that involves coercive control because the belief that domestic abuse requires physical assault is a story that is easy to tell yourself, especially when you love someone so much. It goes without saying that if someone is deliberately harming you physically, you are in an abusive relationship and we encourage you to reach out for help immediately through whatever resource or person you feel most comfortable and safe to use. However, it is very hard to recognize the gradual increase in unhealthy coercive control behaviors from the inside. It can include any combination of behaviors such as:
- Isolation- Discouraging relationships with family and friends, suggesting that others do not have your best interests at heart, perhaps even relocating to put physical distance between you and your support system. They may ask you to always rely on and come to them first or suggest that others are “not your real friends” or are only using you for something, they may not allow you to share jokes with friends that are old or personal without a full explanation. Excessive jealousy of friends or coworkers due to fears of cheating also fall into this category. A loving partner should want you to maintain healthy relationships outside of your own intimate one, and should never actively attempt to severe ties in your life, or convince you that your friends and family don’t care about you.
- Degradation/Verbal Abuse- Slight put downs, insults, negative comments about weight, attractiveness, choices, and intelligence or your potential to achieve your life goals can be a sign that someone is trying to diminish you. Abusers often degrade their partners self esteem to such a point that they come to believe they are worthless, and worth nothing without their partner. A loving partner should be supportive about your choices and make you feel good about yourself and no one should force or shame you to eat or not eat.
- Micromanagement- "Allowing" you to attend events, take a promotion at work, dictating how you spend your free time, needing to know where you are at all times are all behaviors which can at first appear to be loving and thoughtful. Refusal to accept boundaries of any sort, not allowing you to keep a diary, expecting to be allowed to attend all doctors/therapists appointments with you, and insisting on permission to speak to them without you in the room, telling you what to say, what to do, how to act, how to dress, etc. These things are not acceptable and are a clear sign that your partner sees you as their property or an extension of themselves. Be sure that you are the person that maintains control over the choices you make to make you happy, not to make sure they keep your significant other happy.
- Gas-lighting- A form of manipulation that plants doubt in an individual’s mind hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Gas-lighting tends to happen very gradually. In fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem like just a harmless misunderstanding at first. It may include your partner denying conversations you had with each other ever took place, suggesting you are making things up or that things are “all in your head”, implying that you are crazy, unbalanced, or a liar. They may often say things like “calm down, relax, your getting emotional...” in order to make you feel bad and like your feelings are not valid. They may accuse you of inflating your own pain (both mental and physical), especially invisible pain like migraines and menstrual cramps. All of these tactics slowly create a situation where a victim can become so unsure of themselves and what is reality that they depend entirely on their abuser to define it for them. The boundaries of what your partner finds acceptable may seem like they are constantly shifting and you may feel like you are often walking on eggshells. Healthy relationships involve communicating our wants and needs effectively and understanding clearly what our own and our partners boundaries are.
- Minimization- This is when a partner seeks to minimize and degrade all concerns, worries issues, health concerns and important life choices you may face. The abuser may repeatedly tell you that you are overreacting to situations, that other people have worse problems than you and that your problems are invalid. This can lead to a feeling that you don’t have the right to complain or feel concerned about anything other than that which your abuser deems important. This can be especially damaging to both your confidence in your own judgement and a feeling of irrelevance to the outside world, when this happens, it makes it easier for you to feel like the other tactics your partner is using to control you are irrelevant and that you are a "hypochondriac" or "making a fuss about nothing", often leading to you to convince yourself that abusive behaviors are, in fact, normal in all relationships. They may even convince you to stop taking medications such as for mental health issues. Loved ones should validate you, be concerned for your mental health, physical well being, and encourage you to practice self care in all areas of your life, if you feel like you don’t have the right to your own feelings, wants or desires, this is a red flag that can be a sign you are in a controlling relationship.
- Threats- Threats of suicide, against children, you, pets and other loved ones to control their partner. They may make implied threats to your safety, for example regularly cleaning weapons when they are angry with you, displaying knives or other dangerous weapons and commenting on the potential damage these could inflict on a person (Not necessarily directing that implied damage at you personally). They may often threaten to leave you and tell you things like “no one else will ever love you or put up with you like I do.” They may make you feel guilty for expressing unhappiness, or for wanting to go out or have a life outside of the relationship. This can feel like someone just really loves you and enjoys your company but once it changes to making you responsible for their happiness, this can be a sign that they are trying to control you.
- Financial Control- Total management of finances, removing all autonomy from you and allowing you no consideration in any spending decisions. Controlling a strict allowance and often simultaneously placing entirely different constraints on their own spending habits. (Finances alone is not necessarily a sign of abuse, but financial management on the whole should be relatively equal in terms of personal spending within the household budget). Additionally, your partner should not try to talk you out of promotions, advancement or opportunities in your career. This is ultimately your decision; consider setting up a "fuck off fund".
- Stalking- It is not normal for your partner to need to be with you at all times, or to show up at places you are that you are not expecting them to be. It is not respectful to “surprise” someone at work and/or school; these are professional environments and showing up unannounced or sending presents can be a sign of seeking to exert control or show ownership of you to your peers. One thing that is a modern tool used by abusive partners to monitor their victims is the find my phone apps (or other location apps), monitoring social media, constant messaging etc. Each thing alone is not necessarily unhealthy but a combination or a high frequency of these occurrences may be a cause for concern.
- Sexual Coercion- This may seem like one that we all would notice but in the experience of many victims it is often very subtle. Abusers are clever at combining their tactics to make victims believe that ‘if you loved me you would do x,y,z...’ and this can often include sexual activities or proclivities that victims may only engage in to satisfy their partners. Some examples of this can include forcing a partner into an open relationship, partner-swapping/swinging, threesomes, or unwanted sexual activities. Sexual coercion goes beyond the norm of exploration by applying pressure to do unwanted acts often including degrading things for the purpose of proving their level of control.
- Reproductive Coercion- To pressure or coerce a female partner into becoming pregnant or into continuing a pregnancy against her will. Tactics of reproductive coercion can include manipulation, intimidation, threats, and violence. A controlling partner may encourage, manipulate, or trick you into not using birth-control measures during consensual sex. This allows abusers to maintain physical and often financial domination over their victims. The NCADV says ~25 % of women who are being physically or sexually abused by their partners also report being pressured or forced to become pregnant.
- "Accidental" Harm- Injuries that are not direct assault that are minimized and explained as accidents "I slipped and fell into you", "You walked into my hand", "I didn’t mean to push/grab/swat you that hard". It is entirely possible that the odd genuine accident may occur in which one person hurts another, however, as with the other aspects mentioned, it is the combination and frequency of these occurrences that are red flags to help you assess whether you are in a healthy relationship or a controlling one.
On average, it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship and the point of ending it is the most dangerous part. Of all abusive partners and stalkers, 50% who
make a threat WILL carry it out. If you recognize a combination of any
of these things in the relationship with the person you love, the best
advice most survivors have been given is ask yourself what you would
tell your child/sibling/best friend/parent to do if they were
experiencing the same thing. If you recognize these behaviors happening
to someone you care about please reach out to them and try to get them
help.
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